Blue helmet. White bike. Red backpack.

Blue helmet. White bike. Red backpack.

Every time I see a motorcycle go by, it's just instinct. I look for those three things to see whether or not it's him.

99.999999% of the time, it isn't him. There are thousands of other motorcyclists in the area (especially this time of year), and the chances of running into him are slim. But subconsciously, I always have to check to see if it's him. Today, on my way to work...it was him. And that is what stirred up all the memories and inspired this post.

For four years, he was the love of my life. And you don't just get over something like that. We've been broken up for six months now, and I still think about him all the time. Wondering if he's doing ok. Wondering if he's dating other girls (those worthless tramps), and wondering if he still thinks about me. Now, I'm not trying to say that I want him back. That ship has sailed, and I know that we were not meant to be. But how do you get over the one person who loved you and knew you more than anyone in the world? I know that a part of me will always care about him. We may have had our disagreements, our differences, and our feelings hurt from time to time. But for the most part, he treated me like I was someone special. That I deserved to be loved. That I was important. He taught me that I could do hard things, he encouraged me to try new things. He gave me the confidence to apply for this job I have now at this amazing company. He inspired me with the courage to go for my dream - to make the very scary purchase of the home I have now.

He helped me when I needed help. He was there for me when I needed it. Back when my old car gave up the ghost and I couldn't afford to buy a new car yet, for three or so months he drove me everywhere. He even taught me how to drive a manual transmission, so I could buy the car I have now. He helped me financially when I needed it, back when I was making just $7.50 an hour and only getting scheduled for 15 hours of work per week. He helped me move--like three times. He supported me when I felt I didn't have anyone else in my life to support me. He made me feel loved by going to my choir concerts and other important events in my life when everyone else in my life was busy with "more important things". He took care of me when I had my wisdom teeth out. He held my hair back while I puked my guts out after a bad reaction to the oxycontin they'd given me.

...and the list goes on.

Its funny how when someone dies or when a relationship ends, all you can remember are the good moments, the happy times. Our relationship was never perfect. We both did things that drove each other nuts. Sometimes I wanted to grab him by the shoulders and shake him, wondering why he couldn't or wouldn't see certain things from my perspective. I'm sure he wanted to strangle me when I refused to back down or tried to force my opinion on him. He had a difficult time apologizing for things. I had a difficult time forgiving him for things. Toward the end, I needed him to spend more time with me. He needed more space. In the end, we just weren't meant to be. But I'm happy to have had the experiences that I had with him. For better or for worse.

Moon Time Lapse

Evening Time Lapse

Ok, so this summer, Katy and I decided to do all kinds of time lapses! Below is one she and I did together this past Thursday. In post, I put an Instagram-esque filter on it, although I'm not sure I love how blue it turned out...but I'm still new to all of this! If you have a recommendation or suggestion of a location or time lapse theme, leave a comment and let me know!
 

Cambodian Sunset Time Lapse

It was recently pointed out to me that I failed to post this! It's only twenty seconds long, but here is the famous time lapse that I talked about in this post.

Enjoy!

To the Male Gender: Trust is Something you Earn

I need to get something off my chest...

To begin with, I started thinking about all of this on Wednesday when I attended my first training for the Children's Justice Center (CJC). I'm training there so I can volunteer to be a mentor for children who have been abused. I guess I didn't exactly know what I was getting into when I signed up for this program. I guess I thought that I'd be dealing with kids who'd mostly been physically or emotionally abused. Instead, the CJC deals almost exclusively with kids (ages newborn - 18 years) that have been sexually abused. In order to prepare us to be mentors for children who have had these awful experiences in their lives, we have had to learn all about sexual abuse: what it is defined as, who it happens to, where it happens, the physical and emotional effects that come as a result, and the list goes on. In the twelve hours of training I've attended so far (a total of 40 hours are required), I've already heard dozens of stories involving children and sexual abuse. As part of this training, we've learned that two major things go on in a child's mind when they are sexually abused: they feel guilty because they feel it is their own fault, and they feel like their power to control anything that happens to them has been taken from them. Both of these feelings that take place are a part of the reason why 90% of all sexual abuse goes unreported.

Going through this training has been especially difficult for me. It has brought up past experiences I've tried very hard to bury and pretend never happened. As a child, I was sexually violated by someone who was very close to me. I felt so guilty, so dirty, and that I was to blame. Because of some of the things I was taught as a child, I was convinced that I would never be forgiven by God for what had happened. Enduring this training this week with the CJC has helped me to emotionally deal with what happened to me so long ago, as I never have before.

In a darker sense, it has affected me deeply on an entirely different level.

Did you know? 1 in 4 women will be sexually abused in their lifetime.

In the vast majority of child sexual abuse cases, the perpetrator is a father, a brother, an uncle, a grandfather, or someone else very close to the child. How could the mother of any child possibly know who to trust if she ever needed someone to watch her child? Obviously if she thought that her child could be sexually abused by that person in some way, she would never her child near that person. But this kind of thing happens all the time--a child is left with a close friend or relative, and is molested or raped.

My point is: I've always had a slight problem with my trust for men. It has always taken a lot for me to get close to someone emotionally. In the last few years, I've had two people who have helped me with my trust issues, and I had made a lot of progress. However, with all of this horrifying information being dumped onto me all at once, needless to say I've regressed considerably to my former state of mind. It will take a lot for me to trust anyone again enough to love him and allow him to be in my life.

Obviously this training is incredibly draining on me emotionally--I'll be glad when it is over! I just want to start helping the kids. I think I can handle that part, since it will be just one person's experience I'm dealing with, rather than several all at once....